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Ticket To Fame/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, the worst thing about apple trees is the apples. There's too many of 'em. Oh, sure, I know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but 1,000 apples a day keeps everybody away. So what are you supposed to do with all the apples that clutter up your yard? Oh, I suppose you could wing about 500 of 'em at your neighbours' house. But that's pretty immature. Plus you end up with your arm in a sling. Well, I got a better way. This here's a jai alai bat. People in Spain use these to throw wooden balls at a 100 miles an hour. Don't ever get a spanish guy mad at you. But instead of wooden balls, I have granny smiths. [ red chuckling ] now, sure, I could scoop them up by hand and risk my other arm. Am I going to do that? It's "jai alai" highly unlikely. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] all right. Thank you very much. No, no. I appreciate that. Been kind of a rough week for the possum van. I know you're supposed to change the oil every 3,000 miles, but I have a problem with the metric conversion. I thought 3,000 miles was 450,000 kilometers. I got fresh oil now 'cause it came with the new engine. Oh, uncle red! Uncle red! [ applause ] my $50, where's my $50? What? My $50! This I.O.U. It expires today. It's your I.O.U., so you u.O.I, 50 big ones. It's not a good week, harold. Okay, tell you what, give me that. Here you go, we're fine now. "I.O.U. $50 by next Saturday, red." no! No, uncle red, c'mon, please. I need the money. I'm going on a date with bonnie. Harold, if she charges you, it's not a date. Just hand over the 50. When do you need the money? Are you not listening at all? Today! Now! I know, but when today? Well, okay, I'm getting in the shower at 3:00, get out at 5:00, gotta do my hair. That's gonna be an hour, and get dressed -- 6:00. All right, fine, because at 5:00, they're drawing the winning lottery number. I got two tickets, but here. I'll give you one, I'll keep one for myself, and at 5:00, harold, the way my week is going, you're gonna probably win 3 million bucks. You can take bonnie to your own island in fiji. A lottery ticket! You know what lottery tickets are? A tax on the stupid. Do you have any idea, the vaguest notion at all, of what the odds are of me winning $3 million? Harold, you found a girlfriend, anything is possible. [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner receives this coupon for one free night's accommodation at possum lake's hollywood hotel. Check out our newly renovated beverly hills cop suite, featuring the eddie murphy bed. All right there, mike, cover your ears. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get mike hamar to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And... Go! Uh, all right, mike, this creeps in through an open window. Me! Okay, no, we'll go a different way. Let's say you wanna take money out of somebody else's account, you need a bank... And a gun. No, okay. If a writer is just starting on a script, he'll say, this is my first... Drink. No, okay, okay, when you were 18, this was something the american army had, but ours didn't. Bullets. Uh, almost outta time, red. Uh, okay. Okay. Okay, mike, every young athlete is hoping to get picked up in the... Sports bar. No, no, no, not picked up by women. Oh, gay bar. No, uh -- you know, mike, you're enough to drive a man to drink. Oh, okay, well, I'll have a large draught. There we go! Okay, for a while now we've been doing a feature with ed frid called "talking animals." uh, but, apparently, uh -- why aren't we doin' it anymore? Uh, medical insurance costs were getting prohibitive. Yeah, right. So instead we're gonna do -- what are we gonna do? Wild beast roundup! [ sarcastic ] yeah, wild beast roundup. Okay, here with me is ed frid, local dog catcher and roadkill remover. [ applause ] actually, my official title is animal control officer. Yeah, I know. I keep forgetting that. Maybe if ever there was an animal that you actually controlled -- do you want the job, red, huh? Do you want the job? No, no, no. Okay, I didn't think so. Okay, boys and girls, today we're going to learn all about animal safety, because, as I always say, animals can smell fear, but they can taste fingers. That's why I always wear safety gloves. And running shoes. Okay, boys and girls, here it is... The king of the jungle, the savage maneater, [ laughter ] red: The furry mitten. This is leopold the lion. Um, hi, leopold. Ed as lion: Oh, hello there, edward. Edward? Oh, yeah, lions always use your full name. Uh, leopold, this is my friend, red. Ed as leopold: Oh, hello there, redward. So you finally figured out a way to get on the show without having to face a real animal. Ed as leopold: What's he talking about, edward? Normal voice: Don't you worry about him. Here, why don't you read this letter from a fan? Here we go. Just get that... Into -- lions can read? Yeah, the talking ones can. What are you doing, ed? Have you changed medication? I just want to teach the kids a bit about what it means to be an animal control officer. Well, you don't need a stupid puppet to do that. Hey! Red: Just stop it. We might have some kids out there who are actually interested in becoming animal control officers. So just talk to them, straight out. Don't! [ applause ] it's funny sometimes how you want something until you get it. Some of you married guys know what I'm talking about. And if you don't, your wife probably does. Like maybe you thought you wanted fancy awnings and a canopy on your house, but after you got 'em you noticed how they stop the light from getting in and how birds nest in 'em. How maybe it's pretentious to have a canopy on a house that has outdoor plumbing. So now what do you do? You can't leave 'em on the house; you can't take 'em back to the store. I guess you could lie down and have a good cry. But I don't watch dr. Phil. So instead, I'm gonna use those things to convert this totally useless car into an off-road ready, homemade jeep. First thing you wanna do, take off all the fenders. You know, I was hoping I might get lucky and the doors would fall off at the same time. I should've used a pinto. Man, those babies are really rusted on there. Excuse me, I'm gonna need a bigger wrench. [ applause ] okay, next thing we wanna do is raise the body up a little bit. To do that, gonna use a few of these scissors jacks. I don't know why they call them scissor -- ow! Okay, just stick these things between the axles and the frame, and you can be like an oil company... Jack things up as high as you want. Does this say out of africa to you? Or out of resources, or just out of the loony bin. But it sure doesn't say out of imagination. And it's just that easy to make your very own, homemade jeep. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Oh, check this out. My windshield doesn't just open and close, it locks. [ cheers and applause ] lost my car keys last week. I don't mean misplaced; I mean lost. Lost lost. Like you know in those movies where teenagers find a door into another dimension and they throw in a nerdy kid, and he never comes out? Something like that. Then yesterday I go looking for the tv remote. And she's gone. Again, I'm not talking about stuck in between the couch cushions. I mean vaporized. I started to wonder what this was about. So I talked to old man sedgwick, and he said, "been there, lost that." well, I thought about all this stuff, and eventually I had no choice but to accept a simple yet troubling truth -- you probably already guessed what it is, goblins. Sometime after you pass the age of 40, and for no good reason other than pure spite, goblins start breakin' into your house and doing stuff to make you think you're goin' nuts. Like the cup of coffee on the counter that magically drank itself. Or the cap to the gas tank that came off on the highway, even though you screwed it on tight. Or the lights that went off in spite of the fact that you almost quite definitely paid the electric bill. The good news is I came up with a solution to teach the goblins who's boss. The bad news is, I wrote it down and now can't find it. And I think we all know who's to blame for that. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] if you're getting flushed because your toilet isn't, call me. [ applause ] well, I wrote down the winning lottery number, and I got my ticket right here, I don't like to check right away. I think it makes you look greedy. ♪ oh, uncle red ♪ yeah. Yeah. Wow. I'm all set for my date. Where is my $50? Well, I gave you a lottery ticket, harold. I'll give it back to you. I don't want that. C'mon, just give me the $50. Just a minute, harold, okay. I'm about to become a multi-millionaire. Oh, boy. Oh, boy! Oh, boy... Man! I missed it by one number! Yeah, well, there you go. Too bad you didn't buy two tickets, huh? Exactly. That's mine! That's me! I got the ticket! I got the ticket! I got the ticket! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! I got the ticket! I got the ticket! I got the ticket! I got the ticket! I got the ticket! [ applause ] is that right, what harold just said? What'd he say? Imitating harold: I got the ticket! I got the ticket! Yeah. Yeah. I gave him the lottery ticket right next to mine. And it's a winner. I mean, harold's a millionaire. This is unheard of. A millionaire nerd who didn't start an internet company. Congratulations, harold. Well, thank you. Now, I know you haven't decided what to do with the money, but when you do, you come on down to my store. I will take good care of you. Well, thank you, dalton. I don't think I'll be shopping locally, but thank you. You know, I gave you that ticket to cover my debt, so really 50 bucks of it is yours, and the rest should really be... You gave me that ticket, and possession is 9/10 of the law. Where is the ticket? You got it? Yeah, I got it. Oh, I got it. I put it aside because -- okay, whoever finds the ticket, though, there' s a reward. Wait a second. You just said possession is 9/10 of the law. Whoever finds the ticket gets the ticket. [ applause ] red: Harold asked us to come down to the used office furniture place he had bought a desk and a chair and a bulletin board for his little computer room there. Walter was backin' up the possum van and to me, the person who's walking needs to watch where they're goin'. There's an example of that right there. You know, it's just a small desk, but boy, she had some weight to her. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if that unit was maybe 40 pounds, you know. Then I noticed it had the wheels, had the casters on the bottom. Why don't we just -- I'll use the bulletin board as a ramp, and then we can just roll her up right into the van. And that makes a lot more sense. But, uh -- so walter started up there, but he had the heavy end. So he gets her up there, but of course what happens is, it's the law of the lever, there's a fulcrum effect, and when you get the weight over the edge there she's gonna teeter -- and, uh, well, harold learned something that day, eventually. So I fired the chair in there, and we're pretty much ready to go. Thanks for all your help, harold. And, uh, away we go. So harold closes her up, and of course, but the time he gets up to the front, walter's listening to his music. He's in the passenger seat. We're a little short on seating, harold. Maybe in the -- just in the back there. I'm sure there's a chair there somewhere. How about the chair you just bought? There he is. He's all set up. Lookin' good. You're good, harold, eh? Okay, so I probably peeled out a little faster than I should have. Then I slowed her down probably a little faster. Harold, thanks for dropping by. Then I peeled out again -- this time the back door is -- and of course everything's on casters, so he's rolling along there and a stop sign goes by. And walter notices that harold's back there. And harold's taking a note. What's he saying? Stop!! Oh, yeah, I get it. Okay, I got you. But the ramp, the bulletin board come out, and then I slowed down, and of course harold -- okay, thank goodness. Then he realises the ramp is right in front of him. Of course the desk goes up, and so does harold. And we come around. Now, where is he? Where is he? He's inside doin' a donald trump. I can't be fired. I just quit. You know, watching tv used to be easy. You just plopped the thing down on any old cabinet or crate or empty two-four and you're done. But of course these days you can't just have a tv. You've gotta have an "entertainment centre." that's because now you've got your cable box, you home theatre amplifier, your descrambler, your dvds, your cds, your vcrs. Not to mention all the I.O.U.S and c.O.D.S that leave you s.O.L. My wife wants me to buy one of those expensive wall units, with all doors and drawers that hide everything away. But at this point, I'm lookin' to save a few bucks. I call it my refriger-tainment centre. It gives cold storage a whole new meaning. Step one: Give the unit a nice woodgrain mahogany finish. Very nice. Now, your average tv will fit nicely into the freezer compartment. But hey, that's just the beginning. Down here in the fridge area, I got plenty of room for everything. Vcr, dvd player. And I don't have to go hunting for my various remotes. I keep 'em all in the dairy compartment. Now, down below here, where I usually have my drinks and snacks, I have my drinks and snacks. Hey, if it ain't broke... Oh, and another thing, to really help clean up the mess, I put all my movies into these crisper drawers. Vhs on the left, dvd on the right. Beta in the deep freeze. [ sniffs ] boy, something stinks in here. Oh. I was afraid it was duct tape forever. [ applause ] still lookin' for harold's winning lottery ticket. Not going too good, but found a tv remote and this piece of pizza from the lodge picnic. No, I think that's cherry pie. Harold: I found it! I found it! I got it, got it, got it! Coupon for preparation h. I'll take it. Harold, what were you doing when you had the ticket last? Well, I was standing there and thinking, okay, I gotta get some flowers for bonnie. And I thought, what kind of flowers would she like? She likes flowers. I know she likes flowers. You know what's interesting though, a lot of people aren't named after flowers. I thought that to myself. I said, harold, what about pete rose? That's true, pete rose is named after a flower. Daisy mae is. You know who else is? Fred rhododendron. Your back pocket! Your back pocket. Check your back pocket! Oh! Oh! Oh! There it is! You got it? You got it? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait. Eight. Eight. Two. Two. Three. Three. Five. Five. Six. Six. Seven. Nine. What? No! No! Nine. Oh, harold, you had the ticket before me, not the ticket after. See, this is why I hate lotteries. You can't win a lottery! But harold, you had the first six numbers right. That's worth 50 bucks. [ applause ] see, that was repaying my debt, so I guess we're even. Well, that's not fair! I mean, I don't mind losing $3 million, but really need that 50. All right, I'll tell you what. I had the first six numbers right too. Here, you take my ticket, and now we're even. [ no audio ] thank you. Thank you! That's fine. No! [ possum squealing ] it's meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. I'll be right down. No! If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I'm hoping we can go to bed early tonight. All day I've been this close to getting lucky, why stop now? And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] hurry up and sit down. Sit down everybody. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. Well, as you may have heard, harold did not win the lottery, but on the plus side, harold did not win the lottery. You know, they say that your chances of winning a lottery are less than your chances of being hit by lightning. How many of you guys been hit by lightning? So this lodge is full of nothing but winners. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com